Praise and PromisePraise and Promise
i've dabbled in depression
and sunk myself in many a sea
i've fastened on my own shackles
and i've stared as my dreams vacated
i've been puzzled by outcomes
astonished by all the frayed ends
i've been addicted to crawling back
i've seen my eyes overflow with empty
right now i feel a little sick
because my right is falling left
but i'm doing my best to hold it high
and convince myself not to miss you
i try the oldest of brainwashes
detergent to cleanse the yearning
and soapy sleep to shake the thought
that the good shouldn't have been lost
there were bads running prominent
so i lost the want to love the whole
including what made me happiest
like simply being held close to you
i miss smiling against your skin
and when your arms enveloped me
that all the hate and hurt i stockpiled
simply vanished and i was in love
but i hated saying that i was sorry
especially when i felt no such remorse
and i loathed feeling trapped in there
it's too much for me.
like lying on a bed of pins
while brick by brick is placed
on my chest, adding weight.
has taught me harsh lessons.
for some reason i had thought
similar hurts were exiled from here.
it was my decision.
i could have continued on
while the bricks added up
to press canyons in my muscles.
departure was an
inevitability. i don't think that
i asked for too terribly much.
i will never be the submissive.
i became weak.
and you strutted your ego
about like it was a cash prize.
you can't convince me to pity you.
i've gotta force myself
to eat: to feel emerged - the victor.
and yes, after someone goes,
it's like you missed their funeral.
the threshold is crossed.
mine and caesar's gleaming rubicon:
traversed. the choice was given
to you clearly, but you let me walk.
at least a few more
will go this way. if you don't loosen
up the strings on your brain's laces,
you'll lose so much more than me.
There Are PlentyThere Are Plenty
there are plenty of other women
who can satisfy you. so why don't
you go stick yourself inside of them
there are plenty of other capable
bed partners who are much more
slender than i. go fuck them, then
there are plenty of others for you
to take with all the frustration i have
laid on your screaming libido. go away
i am much much more than done
with your making everything one big
fucking deal. you want it, find it elsewhere
i will not give you what i cannot let go
and i refuse to force myself onto you
when i've put up with pounds of your shit
there are plenty of other perfectly fuckable
young ladies standing in long lines for you
so why don't you just set me aside already
with a tongue dripping my hate's venom,
i'm telling you now what i've kept deep
inside my brain's walls and in the rods
of my mind's eye: i should have refused you.
when you demanded of me to submit to
letting one of my dearest friends disappear,
i should have slapped you. i should have
bruised your ego and left you dead alone.
my mouth boils over with every single
one of the fucking burdens i choked on.
the second you told me who i was allowed
to know: i should have put my shirt back on.
i'd much rather go backwards, back home,
and embrace the life i had cast too far aside,
than suffer and suffer and SUFFER like this:
give an inch, take a mile. give a petal, tear it.
i had all i fucking needed, and you stole them:
my friends, my tribe, and my mind's eye's diary
from me. my breathing out is steam, and i'm
ready to scald you with the hottest of blows.
you trapped me, you insecure little child. you
are so insignificant that it makes me plain sick
But all the words that I can't say
Scream under anvils in my brain
And my soul has been rolled flat
My spirit was numbed by the pin
Was she the villain, or was she
Just not as strong as I've been?
Was she a demon, or was she
Just driven insane against a wall?
She's a story told in history books
That gush out from your mouth
A lesson pushed down like gravity
Scolds me: I am to tread carefully
I have the world inside my head
You can't numb it; you can't hear it
Balance exists while I'm submissive
Under the anvil of your sweet kisses
Running in circles around the sun
This world, this earth, it's venomous
I scream to be comfortable but fail
"Relax" is not a word I've ever lived
Turn off this brain that pinches at
My temples where all the chaos is
Everything is a storm in there now
And the phone's voice is pure anxiety
How much longer until the anvil falls?
Did it crush the siren who made you
Paranoid that I'd grow unfaithful?
Just her name makes
Man In The PhoneMan In The Phone
there's a scary man in the phone
who calls me up and makes me cry
then i see him and i can't wrap my head
around the idea that they're the same
there's a scary voice in my ear
and it keeps telling me i'm a liar
but haven't lied - i have no reason to
hide anything. so please stop accusing
there's a scary hand on my throat
i look down to see it's only mine
clutching neck skin - muffling breath
like preparing myself for the real thing
there's a scary cloud hovering here
and i shoo it away so violently
that it breaks into a million pieces
and then reforms bigger - heavier
there's a scary man in the phone
and he tells me things that aren't true
then i see him and i can't seem to fathom
how the two could possibly be you
I Am A Good GirlI Am A Good Girl
have i not proven enough
to the God of Deepest Fears
and the Prince of Anxiety?
have i not groveled there
at your poor waiting feet
every time you were sore?
have i not stood for your tests
of resistance against the cliffs
you almost threw me off of?
have i not proven myself
to the great Cardinal King
who demands and asks for more?
have i not suffered enough
of your accusations and the
bruising lay of your heavy heart?
have i not placed myself there
in front of your oncoming trains
to take the brunt of their weight?
have i not proven myself worthy
of your hugs, kisses, and love?
i may as well be your servant girl.
have i not loved you with all of me?
i may as well be your silent slave.
why don't you trust me to be faithful?
By ForceBy Force
I'm just a damsel in your horror scene
I'm the victim in your suspense film
And you keep making me cry
You keep making me give in
Please stop with your difficulty
I'd rather you just love me
Or shove me to someone who can
You've made me throw away
And you've taken my heart by force
For now I fear of repeating history
With salted cheeks and pencil marks
You are incurable, my love
I can't rearrange this crushed puzzle
With pieces that were stolen
And a box forged in mud and stones
You force me to choose your hand
Over my own friends of choice
For fear of death by heartbreak
I hate this sick feeling: helpless
But I love you all the same
And I will stay for the bitter end
"Fire and bombs rain to the ground"
I've made another mistake I see
And I will learn a lesson here
Just like all the others I had held
So dearly; with such tenderness
I am a fortress: cowering at your feet
And your warriors jab with swords
where's the sun now?
i walk this earth a corpse
i bend myself - twisted
i am limbo in limbo
find my mind, mentor
dig up my insecurities
and please pump me full
of sweet, sweet confusion
and don't return, You
the self i screamed into
who i told to leave me be
and begged to let it go
teacher, sensei, spare me
don't clog empty with vial
mentor, where's my chaos now?
where's my stability?
i am oceans in oceans
and i've been swimming for years
how long until i touch the core?
how far until starvation takes me?
hold down my power switch
and keep me dead-awake
my wires tangle in my sleep
prophet, show me the scissors
mentor, muffle these screams
so internal, so concealed
where's my northern wind?
where's the proud creature within?
and don't reburn, You
the other banished me
the one that used to cut me
with her claws that still threaten
so re-detatch me from me
and define the undefinable
reopen doors half-closed
and throw my curtains to the sky
i am limbo